My return to work was pretty uneventful. I logged in to my computer, read my emails and took some calls. It was all pretty much as I had left it and I had no problem getting back into the swing of things after being gone for almost three months. My supervisor even came out to see how I was doing, but I suspect I’ll not be as interesting to her now that I’m not a potential emergency waiting to happen.
I kept telling everyone I was fine. Autumn had already been in daycare a few times so leaving her wasn’t an issue. I didn’t cry and looked at her pictures on my desk with a sense of longing that wasn’t at all painful.
Then I got home.
The daycare provider hadn’t yet gotten the third bottle to Autumn so I decided to nurse her. As soon as I got her into position she started to scream. She wanted nothing to do with me. I tried and tried and she just wouldn’t nurse.
This has been an ongoing problem for us this past week. Sometimes she’ll nurse and sometimes she won’t. Sometimes she’ll take one side but not the other. Plus she’s stopped sleeping through the night. She woke me up early Monday morning at 2 am. That’s okay. I wasn’t sleeping anyway.
I called the lactation “warmline” at the hospital and left a message. I thought it might be a nursing strike. I was tired, frustrated and feeling miserable. I cried and cried, convinced this was the beginning of the end of the beautiful nursing relationship I’d established with my daughter.
So this morning I called in sick to work. I was trying to fight off a cold that was getting worse from lack of sleep. A lactation consultant called about 9am and said we should take Autumn to the doctor to rule any physical reasons for the nursing issues. “If she checks out okay then she just might be a little mad at you for going back to work,” she said.
Great. Just what I wanted to hear.
After a little more discussion, the lc assured me that once our routine is established, Autumn should get back into the groove of things. She might, however, continue to wake for a feeding in the wee hours of the morning to make up for the mommy time she’ll no longer get during the day.
All day today I struggled with being depressed about having to go back to work. I never thought it would be this painful. I felt like a horrible mother for working full time. I felt like a horrible mother for staying home today and disrupting Autumn’s routine.
The doctor appointment proved uneventful. Autumn charmed the nurse and was thrilled (as always) to have her clothes taken off. She was fine though. She wasn’t getting a cold, didn’t have a fever or any ailments that the doctor could see. So I guess she’s pissed at me. I’m sure it won’t be the last time.
The good news is today she mostly nursed without a problem. We did have an issue this afternoon but I calmed her and it’s been smooth sailing since.
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