Dear President-elect Obama,
First off, congrats on the big win! Historical moment there. I stayed up and watched your victory speech and I must say you are an awesome speaker. I can’t stand up in front of a class of ten people without stuttering and there you were in front of thousands, talking about change and how you’re going to get the girls a puppy when you move into the White House.
About that puppy. I understand every president has to have a pet. A presidential pet is a public relations gold mine. Remember Millie? That dog wrote a book. And Socks the cat looked so cute whether he was perched on the official press conference podium or cradled in Chelsea’s arms. Socks had some class.
Make no mistake, every breeder and kennel in the greater Chicago area is now hoping to be the one to supply the First Dog to the First Family. Perhaps you’re thinking of a Golden Retriever. They’re good with kids, docile, but shed like a sonofabitch. Unless you want Michelle chasing the dog around the White House with a Furminator, a breed with a wiry short coat like a Jack Russell would be ideal not to mention peppy. Just imagine the photo ops as he bounces around Malia and Sasha on the White House lawn.
But really, why must it be a puppy? I get that puppies are adorable with their squinty puppy eyes and short puppy noses, but they’re also a lot of work. They pee and poo everywhere and chew without discretion. In a house full of historical antique furniture, you’ll want to be especially vigilant and keep a good supply of Bitter Apple and rubber bones on hand. With that in mind, I would suggest you stay true to your humble roots and adopt a seasoned rescue dog. If you like that suggestion, I have the perfect dog for you.
Molly might have some issues, but I can guarantee you’ll not have a dull moment with her in the house. She’s like a magician, that dog, and will keep you guessing long after you think you have her figured out. Would you ever have imagined a dog could eat an entire container of Crisco? Molly can. Would you like to see whole loaves of bread and bags of hot dog buns disappear? Molly can do that, too. And if you’re looking to see cans of trash strewn up and down the West Wing, I have no doubt Molly will surpass your expectations.
As you can imagine, a dog that’s been known to eat dirty diapers can produce some pretty heinous gas. No worries there because you’ll have all that space to put her out if need be. Just be sure to lock the gate. An unlocked gate means visits to the neighbors. I’m sure you don’t want to waste the taxpayers’ money by sending the Secret Service out to look for a wayward hound trolling for garbage on Pennsylvania Avenue.
Molly is great with kids. She’s patient and very attentive, especially during meal times. If your girls are messy eaters, Molly will quickly become their best friend. If not, you still won’t be without her during meals as she will stand stock still, stare at you drool onto the floor as you enjoy your dinner. The kitchen staff will love her since she seems to be very interested in where the meals come from as well as where they’re going. Seriously, you can’t get rid of that dog when there’s food on the stove. Unless it’s bacon. For some reason the sound of sizzling bacon scares her, though she’d eat a whole pound of it raw given the opportunity.
Finally, Molly is very receptive of guests. She loves guests. Just try to keep her away from and off of the guests. Some people consider the jumping bothersome. I like to think of it as one more dimension of her delightful personality. Not only will Dmitiry Medvedev leave the White House with scratches on his hands and legs, he’ll also leave with fond memories.
So Mr. Obama, President-elect, please consider this ringing endorsement of Molly’s character as my nomination for the position of First Mutt. While her owners would miss her dearly, they are, first and foremost, patriots willing to make the sacrifice for their country.
Molly’s fed up exasperated loving family